The Wizard of La
by Gambit's Nightmare
Summary: The XMen in Oz! Laughter Guaranteed! Remy, Scott, Logan, Jubilee, Kitty, Jean, Sinister...everybody is in this pretty much. Now Complete!
1. High Heels

**The Wizard of La**

**Disclaimer: I own neither The Wizard of Oz nor Marvel Comics. Please, exercise some common sense, people!**

**Full Summary:**

Remy Lebeau hit his head exceptionally hard in the Danger Room and landed in a coma. This is a Wizard of Oz parody, a comedy, and an AU fic. I hope you guys enjoy – writing it is so much fun. Instead of having super-long chapter, I think it would be more entertaining in smaller bits. So, shorter chapters, but more of them.

**Chapter One – High Heels**

"_Merde!" _Remy thought as he opened his eyes slowly. "Uh-oh, woke up wearin' femmes clothes, again. Remy, y'gonna hafta stop drinkin'!" Speaking softly to himself as he stood, Remy examined his attire. "Kinky." He said finally as he straightened the blue gingham dress and the pale blue socks that he wore. "Remy lost his shoes, neh?" He looked around, walking through some dew-covered grass in his socks. "Wet socks suck worse dan wakin' up wearin' dese…" He felt his hair. "Pigtails!"

He spotted a red glittering out of the corner of his eye, only to see a pair of feet poking out from under a house. "Mon dieu!" Looking around, he smirked and stole the shoes. "Y'dead, mon ami. Don' need dese anymore." Remy noticed the hairy man-legs of the slippers' owner as he took them off and gagged. "Say it wit Remy, Monsieur Morte – 'foot odor,' Y'feet still gonna smell worse dan y', even when y'rottin'."

"Remy's glad Wolfie ain' here." Remy said, snickering as he put the slippers on. Quickly, he jerked his head and took a fighting stance as a strange bubble appeared before him. The woman, who was wearing a huge pink dress, didn't seem to threaten Remy, who put his hands down. "Jeannie?"

"I am no genie." The woman said smoothly, a broad smile plastered to her face. "Are you a good witch or a bad witch?"

"Uhh…" Remy said, deciding that, despite looking EXACTLY like Jean, this was a very different person. "Witch? Non. Remy's a thief. Jus' woke up here."

"The Munchkins called me here; they said that you dropped a house on Eric, the wicked warlock of the East." She said. "I am Jean, the Witch of the North."

Remy smirked. "Dis be Remy Lebeau, of da swamp….what's a munchkin?"

Several giggles came from around him as smaller versions of the younger X-Men suddenly surrounded him. Jubilee wrapped herself around one of Remy's legs, holding it tight. She sniffed him. "You smell like cigarettes!" She yelled accusingly.

"Is this true?" Jean asked.

"Oui, Remy's a smoker, Momma." Remy said sarcastically, as the children gasped and back away from him. "Jus tell Remy how t'get back home."

A midget version of Shadowcat pointed to the sidewalk. "Follow the yellow brick road!" She said to Remy.

"T'anks, Petite." Remy laughed as he thought of how 'petite' she was at present. He started to walk away when the small creatures began to follow him and sing. Frightened, Remy turned and ran as fast as his sexy red slippers would take him down the long yellow brick road. "Merde, dis is weird, even f'Remy."

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Next Chapter: Who is the Scarecrow? I guarantee you'll laugh. A lot. It's a joke waiting to be told.

**Comments, please? **

**C'mon…leave me a review. Pretty please? **

**It would make me happy. All of you anonymous ghost readers should at least make yourselves known.**


	2. Scarecrow

**The Wizard of La**

**Disclaimer: I own neither The Wizard of Oz nor Marvel Comics. Please, exercise some common sense, people! As an additional disclaimer, I did bring in some of the original lyrics from the film and alter them in this chapter.**

**Chapter Two – Scarecrow**

"What Remy needs is some better clot'es. Got not'in against dis, but people don' really like seein' a tall, hairy man wit demon eyes dressed like a 14-year-old girlie from da Midwest." Smiling as he spotted a scarecrow near a fork in the road, he began to take its clothes off when it moved.

"AHHH!" They screamed in unison.

Remy fell backwards. "Why da hell are you screamin'? Remy's da one dat jus' got yelled at by a talkin' Scarecrow!"

"A transvestite with red eyes is trying to violate me!" The Scarecrow said. Recognizing the voice, Remy laughed.

"Desole, mon ami. Remy needs t'get some different clot'es. Trade?" Remy said. "Mon name is Remy."

"Scott. Scott the scarecrow." Remy quickly changed into the scarecrows clothes, putting Scott in the dress, but keeping the slippers, since the scarecrow had no feet.

"So, which way does Remy need t'go?" Remy said. Scott shrugged. "No orders for moi?" Remy smiled at the scarecrow.

Scott sighed. "I can't make up my mind. I haven't got a brain – only straw."

"Tell Remy somet'in' he don't know!" Remy said.

Scott was quiet for a moment. "It's really very uncomfortable, being hung up like that by a pole stuck up my ass all the time." Remy chuckled again and put an arm around the dress-clad Scarecrow, pulling him off and watching with minor amusement as Scott limped forward, the legendary stick up his ass removed…at least in this sick little world.

_Caw! Caw!_

A red bird landed on Scott's shoulder and pulled some straw out of Scott's face. "Ow! What I would do for a brain!"

"What any o'us would do t'give y'one, Cyke." Remy said. "What would y' do wit a brain?"

Scot began to break out into a song. "If I had a brain…"

I could save the world from evil,

From unrighteous mean upheaval,

For every human gain…

And sweet Jean I'd be kissin'

While Miss Madeline is missin'

If I only had a brain.

I'd lead a team of heroes

Who'd treat me like a zero.

And call me such a pain.

Remy watched Scott dancing about in a Scarecrow body, wearing a dress, spinning madly and singing. "Shut da hell up! No more singin'!" Scott froze as Remy yelled. "Y'sing, Remy gonna blow ya t'pieces."

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**Comments, please? **

**C'mon…leave me a review. Pretty please? **

**It would make me happy. All of you anonymous ghost readers should at least make yourselves known.**


	3. Off to see the Wizard!

**The Wizard of La**

**Disclaimer: I own neither The Wizard of Oz nor Marvel Comics. Please, exercise some common sense, people! As an additional disclaimer, I did bring in some of the original lyrics from the film and alter them in this chapter.**

**Chapter Three – Off to see the Wizard!**

For the third time in an hour, Remy found his new friend skipping with his footless stubs across the road.

"Hey, mon ami, why da Scarecrow cross da road?"

"I don't know, Remy, why?" Scott said, smiling brightly in anticipation of a joke.

"'Cause if he didn't, Remy woudda blown him up f'skippin'! Straw makes fo' a good fire, y'know." Remy plucked a handful of straw from Scott and charged it, horrifying him as it exploded in the air.

Undeterred, the scarecrow fell behind. "Where are we going?" Scott said, walking behind Remy.

"Remy is goin' t'see some wizard. He don' know why y'followin' him." Remy replied.

Scott suddenly brightened. "Do you think if I went with you this Wizard would give me some brains?" He looked hopefully at Remy, who snorted and laughed.

"Ain' nobody dat can do dat, Scott." He said to the scarecrow, who frowned. "'Sides, Remy killed some bitch's frere and she's real mad at him. Some wicked witch or somet'in.' Prolly jus' a girl wit PMS."

Scott put his arms to his sides and stuck his chest out. "Witch? Huh! I'm not afraid of a witch! I'm not afraid of anything – except a lighted match. And you making me go boom!"

Remy smirked. "Don' blame y'for dat, homme."

"Won't you take me with you? I'd face a whole box of matches for the chance of getting some brains. Look, I won't be any trouble, because I don't eat a thing, and I won't try to manage things, because I can't think." Scott plead with Remy, even bending to his stiff knees.

"Remy jus' wish y'went t'dis much effort in da real world, mon ami." The scarecrow looked at him confusedly. "Oui, ya can come, but no more singin'!"

"_We're off to see the Wizard_

_The Wonderful Wizard of La!_

_We hear he is a whiz of a Wiz_

_If ever a Wiz there was_

_If ever oh ever a Wiz there was,_

_The Wizard of Oz_

_Is one because_

_Because, because, because, because, because…"_

Scott was cut off when Remy charged his clothes. "What did Remy jus' say?"

"No more singing," Scott replied. "But I jus' thought that."

"Don' t'ink until y'get a brain, homme. And don't sing!" Remy cursed and continued walking down the road. "Remy gonna kill whoever responsible for dis."

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**Next Chapter: Talking trees. Remember them? Hilarity to follow.**

bunsdarien – As much as the role of Wolverine as the cowardly lion amuses me, I have a much funnier role for him. You'll see. Kisses for you and your reading of my work.

BJ – Oh yes. But all the painkillers in the world don't numb the pain of a broken femur. I've actually been told that it's actually quite difficult to break that particular bone, so I have a half-assed sense of accomplishment to go along with my painkillers. I did not, however, get to utilize the 30-foot beer pong.

afreddiefan – I used to love Cyclops. Then I went through puberty and following the rules became less cool. Now I think I am enjoying making crude comments about having something up his ass.

Puppybaddog – Here it is…I'm still quite thankful you updated and finished Remy's Predicament, because I really liked that story. It was wicked awesome.

BlkDiamond – Yay! Sinister will be in this story, I can't seem to write anything without demoralizing or screwing around with him. Him and Magneto. I love half-villains!

Inantiodromia – Cross dressers in general are funny (no offense to any of you guys!), especially the tall, masculine ones. You all have to admit that any tall, muscular man dressed like Dorothy would make you laugh. I did, however, spare him the shame of carrying a little dog around.

Tokyo Fox – The bad witch is a secret. Patience, patience! And make sure you keep reading and commenting, because I become lazy in the absence of proper motivation.

Xmaxx – It's actually a lot of fun to write. I looked a copy of the script up on the internet and I'll just start laughing for no apparent reason when I figure out what to do with something.

Brazos – Glad this made you smile. :D Here's more, hope you like.


	4. Talkin’ Trees

**The Wizard of La**

**Disclaimer: I own neither The Wizard of Oz nor Marvel Comics. Please, exercise some common sense, people! As an additional disclaimer, I did bring in some of the original lyrics from the film and alter them in this chapter.**

**Chapter Four – Talkin' Trees**

Remy and Scarecrow walked down the road for several hours, almost without speaking. Even in this world, Remy found Scott to be intolerable, even if it was in a different way. He spotted a row of apple trees, and decided that he wanted to eat one of them. They did look delicious. Almost too delicious.

Just after he reached out and picked one of the apples, the tree grabbed his hand and took it back, slapping Remy on the hand. "What do you think you're doing!"

"Bella?" Remy said. "You're a tree?"

"And jus' who are you?" The tree said, slapping Remy across the face.

'_Definitely Bella. Dis is so not funny.' _ Remy winced and shrugged. "Remy was hungry and wanted –"

"Y' were hungry?" She exclaimed, slapping Remy again. "Well, how da hell would y'like it somebody come and took somet'ing from y'cause dey were hungry?"

Remy snickered as he dodged another angry slap. "Depends on da type o'hunger, mon amour."

Scott tapped Remy on the shoulder. "C'mon Remy, you don't want anything from them, right?" He asked him, hopefully.

One of the other trees grabbed Scott and shook him violently. "What d'ya mean – he doesn't want mah fruit? Are ya hintin' mah fruit aren't what they oughta be?" Remy frowned and looked for an escape route. _'Rouge a tree? Non! Dis jus' keeps gettin' worse f'Remy!"_

"Non! Y'fruit are bon! Remy been wantin' t'touch dem fo'a very long time, Chere!" Remy replied quickly.

Rogue hurled an apple at Remy. "What makes y'think Ah'd let ya touch mah fruit?" She said, angrily.

"Cause y'like dis Cajun." Remy said, throwing her his best puppy eyes, one of which was soon met with another flying apple.

"Get outta here, y'can' have mah fruits!" Rogue yelled as she and Bella began to throw apples at the two men, who ran away quickly. As soon as they were out of reach, Remy removed an apple from his pocked.

"Remy steal what y'don' give him." He said to himself, laughing.

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**Next Chapter: And the Tin Man is…**


	5. Tin Kitty

**The Wizard of La**

**Disclaimer: I own neither The Wizard of Oz nor Marvel Comics. Please, exercise some common sense, people! As an additional disclaimer, I did bring in some of the original lyrics from the film and alter them in this chapter.**

**Chapter Five – Tin 'Kitty'**

"Remy, what's it like to have a brain?" Scott asked Remy.

"Y'never gonna know." Remy said. "But it's nice. Remy likes."

_SCREEECH!_

Remy cringed at the sound of metal scraping on metal and got ready to charge Scott and threw him at whatever was making the noise. He turned to the source of the noise, only to see a man made from metal. _'Remy bets dis be Wolfie!' _The tin man held a bloody ax up in his right hand, as if about to strike. It was rusted into place!

"Oil!" The voice ordered harshly. "Or I'll kill you!"

Remy frowned. "Anyt'in' f'ya. Mon name is Remy."

"Victor! Victor Creed! I uhh…chop wood!"

"Remy know's dat's not all y'like t'cut up, but he'll be nice, eh?" Remy said, oiling Sabertooth's squeaky joints, and pulling the arm down. "What kinda wood bleeds, mon ami?"

Sabertooth ignored the comment and began to threaten Remy. "My neck!" Creed ordered rudely at Remy, who started to walk away, but was stopped by Scott.

"We should help him!" Scott said.

"Non, y'don' get an opinion cause y'don got da right organs, and Remy ain' talking bout ya brain." Remy said, walking farther down the road.

Scott threw a dejected look in Remy's direction. "We could sell him for scrap metal." Remy smiled and turned to Scott, patting him on the back. They walked back to Sabertooth, who looked at them pleadingly. Scott oiled his neck. "Happy?" Scott said, smiling.

"Oh – bang on my chest if you think I could be happy!" Remy rolled his eyes at the melodramatics. "Go ahead – Bang on it!"

Remy crossed his arms. "Uhhhh…Remy tends t'not like touchin' ya. What's da point?"

"I havn't got a heart!" Sabertooth said.

"And dat's news?" Remy said. _'Dis is almost funny. Almost.' _

Sabertooth began to skip and prance about when Remy grabbed him. "Y'sing an Remy gonna hurt ya. Understood?" Sabertooth brushed him off and rhythmically tapped his foot, quickly joined by the dress-clad scarecrow. Remy groaned and covered his ears, unable to completely drown out the noise.

_I was cutting up a victim,_

_When he issued me this dictum._

_And now I'm torn apart._

_Just because I'm presumin'_

_That I could be kind of human,_

_If I only had a heart._

_I'd be tender -- I'd be gentle_

_And awfully sentimental_

_Regarding Love and Art_

_I'd be friends with sparrows..._

_...And the boy who shoots the arrows_

_If I only had a heart._

_Picture me...a balcony...Above a voice sings low._

Sabertooth twisted and spun like a bad cheerleader and then got closer to Remy's face. Remy decided at that point that Sabertooth was really good at torturing people with his voice. He could give up the whole violence thing and just sing at people for punishment and pain.

_I hear a beat...how sweet!_

_Just to register emotion_

_Jealousy -- Devotion --_

_And really feel the part,_

_I could stay young and chipper,_

_And I'd lock it with a zipper,_

_If I only had a heart...!_

"Shut da hell up!" Remy finally barked at them. "Remy's gettin' real tired o'dis singin' bullshit. And you, Creed, sick. Y'carryin' a bloody ax around blamin' y'hollow chest for it. Y'kill because y'jus' plain bad, ain' got no'tin' t'do wit da fact dat y'got no heart." He started walking again, not particularly caring whether or not he was followed. "Dis is worse dan mon nightmares 'bout Antarctica. Remy take freezin' to death an' bein' hungry over his crap any day. Sabertooth singin', Jean bein' a witch, mini-Jubes…and mon exes as trees. Merde, merde, merde."

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**Pleased? Displeased? Leave me a comment!**

**In defense of making Sabertooth the tin woodsman, I found a large amount of irony in it. Sabertooth, wanting a heart, so he can be nice. Admit it, it's ironic and hilarious.**

**Next Chapter: And The Wicked Witch is Unveiled!**


	6. Wicked Witch

**The Wizard of La**

**Disclaimer: I own neither The Wizard of Oz nor Marvel Comics. Please, exercise some common sense, people! As an additional disclaimer, I did bring in some of the original lyrics from the film and alter them in this chapter.**

**I apologize in advance for this chapter. :D I insert a smiley face in hopes that those of you who are offended will forgive me.**

**Chapter Six– Wicked Witch**

"Oh hell. Get y'damn stubs away from Remy!" He punched Scott and kicked Sabertooth, who, for the millionth time, were attempting to skip arm-in-arm with him. Crossing his arms, he glared at them. "Remy's still willin' t'kill y'bastards for acting so fruity." Scott and Creed continued to skip and whistle, making all sorts of asinine expressions and cheery remarks.

Remy was not in a happy mood. Just when he thought it couldn't get any worse, they passed two Munchkins on the road. "Henri? Lapin?" Recognizing them as his adopted brother and cousin, he laughed at their minimal stature, only to be kicked in the shins repeatedly. "Don't y'fuck wit da Guild!" Henri said in a tiny, tiny voice.

Chuckling harder, Remy picked the munchkin up. "Da Guild lets pipsqueaks like you in dese days?" He spun the munchkin over his head and put him down.

"Don't you know who we are?" Lapin said in an equally tiny voice. "We're da heirs of da Lollipop Guild! Y'makin' a big mistake!" Remy scrunched his eyebrows together and burst out laughing again and continued walking, leaving the foul-mouthed munchkins in the middle of the road, cursing in their tiny little voices.

"Do you want me to kill them?" Creed asked, swinging his ax.

Remy stared.

"Sorry…don't have a heart." Creed added apologetically.

"Remy don' t'ink dat's y'problem." Remy said, spotting an individual flying down to them on a broomstick.

"Helping Remy along, gentleman?" The three turned to see the Wicked Witch of the West. Or so they thought. "Stay away from him, or I'll stuff a mattress with you!" The witch turned and pointed at Scott, who leered at her.

"XAVIER? Xavier in drag is da wicked 'witch?'" Remy's jaw dropped. "You're a man!"

"I am no man!" The witch called out, circling them on his broom. "I am a witch! A GIRL witch!" Xavier cackled in an obviously fake falsetto voice and then landed, trotting up to Remy in a long black dress. Scott protectively stepped between the cross-dressing fiend and his new friend. "Here, Scarecrow! Want to play ball?"

"Sure!" Scott said, as if pleased someone actually wanted to do something with him. Remy rolled his eyes and knocked Scott out of the way as Xavier hurled a ball of fire at them. "Hey! You tricked me!"

Xavier cackled.

"No offense, mon ami, but he's da dumbest guy in..whatever dis place is." Remy said as Xavier pridefully postured.

"La! This land is called La!" Xavier exclaimed, temporarily forgetting to disguise his voice and speaking in a deep male voice.

"Remy knew y'were a homme!" Gambit said, smirking.

"No! See?" Xavier pulled his dress up and flashed Remy, who screamed and fell down.

"AAAAHHHHHH!"

"MERDE!" Remy covered his eyes. "Guess dey don' make razors OR undies here! Remy's gonna need some t'erapy when dis is over…and not from da Professor!"

Pleased with himself, the wicked witch flew away quickly. "Did you see that?" Scott said. "I think I may need more than just a brain." He frowned and looked down at Remy, who seemed to be in a horrified daze.

Finally, he stood up and walked alongside his two companions, who had restarted their vocal assault on Remy's ears.

_We're off to see the Wizard_

_The Wonderful Wizard of La_

_We hear he is a whiz of a Wiz_

_If ever a Wiz there was._

_If ever, oh ever a Wiz there was_

_The Wizard of La is one because_

_Because, because, because, because, because_

_Because of the wonderful things he does_

_We're off to see the Wizard_

_The Wonderful Wizard of La!_

About an hour later, Remy finally managed to push the horrible thoughts away. "Maybe dis wizard can erase mon memories? Merde, Remy knew dat was a homme." He shuddered and sighed as Creed and Scott skipped several feet ahead of him.

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**Next Chapter: Lions, and Tigers and…uh…you'll see.**

BlkDiamond – Yay! I'm glad you're still liking this. I'm 90 sure this chapter is going to get me flamed. I'll put a kitty in the next chapter!

addtothenoise – Glad you like. Ummm…yeah. This is a lot of fun.

Puppybaddog – Happy to amuse. I really admire your work, so I'm quite pleased you like mine.

PixiesAddict – Or snort sprite all over your computer…which is what I did earlier.

afreddiefan – Blowing Scott up is a funny idea by itself. Putting him in a straw body and doing it just enhances the experience:D

alik – Next chapter! I hope my choice pleases you.

Kitty Rasputin – Yay! A Kitty/Piotr fan! Man oh man, was I pissed when Colossus died. I haven't seen what the new Colossus series of comics is about, yet.

bunsdarien – In my head, I heard the voice of Sabes from TAS. You know the one, kind of grungy and mean…singing about being gentle!

Rogue-soul – Remy rocks my socks. Remy in women's clothing makes me laugh them off.

Leave me a review if you are pleased or displeased by my decision for the wicked witch. Leave me a review anyway!


	7. Lions, Sheep, and…WTF?

**The Wizard of La**

I would also like to apologize for subjecting you to my strange rantings that I had posted. You all still love me, right? Ha. Anyway, I originally had a different plan for the cowardly lion, but changed it because there is a lot of irony in what I picked. You'll see.

Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel. If I did, I'm sure several of the staffers would be having a heart attack from what I'm doing to their carefully developed characters.

**Chapter Seven – Lions, Sheep, and…WTF?**

The yellow brick road lead the three companions into a deep, thick swamp. "Least dis is Remy's style!" He said, smiling, feeling more comfortable with his surroundings.

"I don't like this swamp, it's too dark!" Creed said, holding onto Scott's arm fearfully. "D-d-do you think we'll meet any wild animals?"

"Only da ones dat hunt bastards dat like t'sing an' skip. So if y'keep y'traps shut, maybe you'll live, non?" Remy said. The two immediately became silent, until Scott walked up next to Remy.

He cowered and whispered. "Any animals that eat straw?"

"Oui." Remy replied. "Maybe some goats, sheep, scary t'ings like dat." Scott shrunk back and clung to Creed. "BAAAAA!" Remy did an impersonation of a sheep loudly, making Scott yelp. "Dat's Remy sheep call. If y'stay quiet, maybe da sheep stay away?" Remy silently laughed as he looked forward, amusing himself with the thought of Scott Summers, leader of the X-Men, screaming as he is eaten by sheep.

"You wouldn't!" Creed said. "That would be wrong! And mean!"

Remy shrugged. "Remy don' t'ink y'understand how much he hates da two of ya. Pity, when dey find Scott's clot'es an' some wool. Self-explanatory."

"Please don't send the sheep after me!" Scott said, begging. "I'll never sing again!"

"Whatever." Remy finally said, growing annoyed. "Lions, an' Rust monkeys, an', Sheep!"

"Rust monkeys?" Creed said. "What's that?"

"An animal that eats by making tin men rust!" Remy said, enthusiastically, proud of his lie, enjoying the lack of jovial singing. "Rust monkeys are da reason y'never see ot'er tin men around, Creed." Creed gulped and looked around, nervously.

Remy froze when he heard a noise. Positioning himself to charge both of his companions, he peeked around the edge of a tree to see a lion. Remy held onto them as the lion approached.

"Put 'em up! Put 'em up! Which one of you first? I'll fight you all together if you want! I'll fight you with one paw tied behind my back. I'll fight you standing on one foot!"

Remy smirked again. "Non, Remy blow you sky high an' y'shut da fuck up. Eh?" He charged Scott and threw him toward the lion, barely holding onto the scarecrow's shirt to prevent him from exploding. The lions leapt back and hid behind the tree as Remy withdrew the charge.

"Hey!" Scott said. "You were going to blow me up?"

"Oui." Remy said. "If y'got a problem wit dat, Remy can do his wild sheep call. He heard swamp sheep are da worst!"

"Pay attention to me! I am scary!" The lion growled. "I am Logan of the swamp!" He growled and slashed his feline claws at a tree. "He obeys the king of the swamp!"

"Remy had a kitty like y'once. Kept pissin' on da sofa." He said, smiling. "Who dis king?"

Logan motioned for them to follow him through the marshy swamp to big willow tree, where branches had been laid out to form a bed for the 'king,' a small black kitten.

_Mew! Mew! Mew!_

Logan fell to his knees. "Yes, my King! Please do not be angry!" He reached out to pet the kitten, who hissed and bit one of Logan's furry fingers. "Anything but this rejection, my king!"

"Remy had enough o'dis. You, pussycat, are a coward. And dis kitty is harmless. Remy know just how t'fix dis attitude." He picked the angry kitten up by the nape of it's neck and then looked at it, scratching it's chin with his free hand. Then he stuck it to Scott's chest, where it happily popped it's claws.

"Owww! Owww!" Scott cried out as the kitten purred and flexed it's claws into his chest. "Mean kitty! Sadistic kitty! Ow!"

Remy finally took the kitten off of Scott and put it on one of the large pockets of his jacket, hearing it purr as it curled up comfortably. "Now, weren't y'threatenin' t'beat Remy up? 'Fore Remy tamed y'master?" Logan stepped back, and Remy decided that, after years, this was probably the only time he could get away with it without feeling a little Adamantium vengeance, so he socked Logan in the nose. "Dats f'bein…mean to Remy!" He shouted at the frightened lion, who held it's nose.

Logan winced. "You didn't have to go and hit me, did you? Is my nose bleeding?"

"Non, y'just bein' a drama queen. Remy knows tougher femmes. Remy dated tougher femmes. Maybe a mistake, eh?" He trailed off as his two companions began to commiserate with the obviously depressed Logan. "Point is, y'just a coward. A big, furry coward."

"You're right." Logan growled and crossed his arms, near tears. "I am just a coward. I don't got any courage at all! I even scare myself!"

Remy smiled and put his arm around the lion. "Y'scare Remy most of da time wit all dat hair everywhere." He tore some of the fabric from Scott dress and tied it into a bow on top of Logan's head. "Remy suddenly likin' dis."

The lion didn't seem to care and began to sob. "I haven't slept in weeks!"

"Have you tried counting sheep?" Creed asked, his voice weighted by concern, which just made Remy smiled wider. Those two being nice? That's the craziest thing he'd seen yet.

"I can't, I'm even scared of them!" Logan growled back.

"Me too!" Scott said, "I'm afraid they'll eat me!" Stunned by this revelation, Logan stiffened and looked around.

"Eat you?" He cowered down.

"Yeah, Remy says swamp sheep are brutal!" Scott suddenly found his new friend in his arms. That was all Remy could take – Scott holding Logan. He started laughing and didn't stop for several minutes. Then, he did his 'sheep call,' and watched with further amusement as his three companions ran as fast as they could away, holding hands. Scott and Logan holding hands, Logan and Creed holding hands. He followed them slowly and pulled open his pocket.

"Wit morons like dis, Remy ain' surprised y'took advantage of 'em." He wiggled his finger and rubbed the kitten, making it purr again.


	8. Useless Banter

**The Wizard of La**

**I changed Chapter Seven from my inappropriate rant to an actual chapter.**

**Read Chapter 7!**

**Chapter Eight – Useless Banter**

Remy finally caught up with his friends at the edge of the swamp and told them they were going to take a rest.

Scott, Logan, and Creed chattered like a trio of prepubescent girls while Remy stared blankly off into space, wondering how it is he ended up here. His gaze was broken by the rhythmic twitching of Logan's tail; Remy suddenly got an idea and smiled evilly, pulling the sleeping kitten out of his pocket and putting it near Logan's tail. It immediately became entranced by it and Remy waited for the moment.

"You could come with us! We could be a team!" Scott said, smiling. "I could be the leader, and we could call ourselves The S-Men, for Straw. Get it? Straw men?"

"Uhh…" Creed anxiously began playing with his ax, suddenly feeling the need to sink it into his buddy. "How about this? We don't and I put my ax down. I just want to see the wizard, so I can get a heart. And sing a little. I love singin'!"

"Do you think he could give me some courage?" Logan asked, earnestly.

"Why not, mon ami? Remy said. "If he can give Creed a heart, an' Scottie a brain, anyt'ing is possible!" Remy smiled as the kitten pounced on Logan's tail, clawing into it and biting down with a sharp, but tiny _Riiiaaaawwww! _

"AHH!" Logan jumped to his feet and climbed up into the lowest branch of the tree. "Anything but that, Master! Please!"

The kitten saw the tail dangling down and obsessively stared at it, his tiny little eyes moving with Logan's tail. The kitten licked it's lips and jumped onto Scott's back, crawling up it with his tiny little claws.

"Ahh! Stop! You're hurting me!" Scott stood up and attempted to get the cat off his back, spinning around, but unable to touch him with his stiff, straw arms. "I am Scott, not Scratching Post!" The kitten batted at a stray piece of straw and then pulled it out with his teeth, gnawing on it as Scott screamed in agony.

"Should we feel pity?" Creed asked, sitting still as the spectacle continued.

"Oui."

"I have no heart, what's your excuse?" He said.

"It's too amusin'." He put his hands behind his head and shouted to Scott. "Just stand by pussycat's tail, mon ami." Scott did so, still screaming like a woman, and was relieved when the kitten leapt at Logan's tail, causing him to shriek in agony as the kitten held onto it.

"Master!" Logan cried. "Please!"

Remy sighed and stood up, reclaiming the cat. "Rest time over." He held the kitten under one arm as they set back down the road. "So, y'comin' wit us, Wolfie? Dats y'name now, an' Remy'll send Master afta y'if y'don' use it!"

"Yes!" Logan said. "My name is Wolfie!"

"And y'like da color pink!" Remy added.

"And I LOVE the color pink!" Logan repeated.

"And…" Remy paused. "Unicorns!"

"Unicorns are scary!" Logan said, then caught Remy's angry eyes. "…But I LOVE them!"

Remy shook his head in disapproval "Y'hopeless."

Too scared to defend himself, Logan decided to explain his feelings in song. Big mistake!

_Yeh, it's sad, believe me, Master_

_When you're born a cowardly bastard_

_Without the vim and verve._

_But I could show my prowess --_

_Be a lion not a mouse --_

_If I only had the nerve_

_I'm afraid there's no denyin'_

_I'm just a dandelion_

_A fate I don't deserve._

_I'd be brave as a blizzard_

Remy growled and charged the bow he'd pit in Logan's hair, causing it to combust, scaring Logan nearly to death! Nearly. Instead, Logan the cowardly lion wet himself and began to cry. "Y' gonna be dead if y'don' shut da hell up."

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**Next Chapter: Poppies, The Wicked Witch, and a little Nudity.**

WolvGambit Le Diable Blanc – I'm glad you're enjoying it.

BJ – Insanity rocks. Random insanity is even better.

BlkDiamond –Flashing is funny. You know what's fun? Streaking. I've decided Remy needs to go streaking later in the story.

Fauna Greywolf – Nope. I had planned on making him one, but I couldn't resist the Creed/Logan bonding I could stick in with him as the lion.

BlkDiamond – I think I have it cleared up. Hopefully.

Nicole Wagner – Muscular legs in a dress look good, no matter the gender. The creepy thing is when men wear tight skirts that bulge in the groin area.

afreddiefan – America rocks my socks. Hard. Xavier as the wicked witch just lets me make more jokes. The inspiration for it came from that episode of the American Dad where Patrick Stewart rides the guy. Hilarity.

Puppybaddog – It's not a good Remy story without bringing in his belligerent adopted family. It's pretty much a requirement. Organized crime and naked women are must-haves for any Remy story.

draelynn – I'm actually pretty crazy without the drugs. But Vicodin, basically. The off-brand hydrocodone crap because Walgreens is cheap or something. I'm not sure. Nice stuff though.

addtothenoise – INS is such a joke. I swear they pick up all the kids that graduate from special ed and give them cushy government jobs working immigration. Good for the kids, bad for me.

Tokyo Fox – I'm going to bring Jubes back later in the story. Because she's cute and perfect for a story like this.

Leave me a review!


	9. Poppies

**The Wizard of La**

**Disclaimer: I do not :**

-Own Marvel

-Encourage the use of opiates

-Encourage public inebriation.

-Advocate public nudity

_At least one of the above is a lie. And this chapter is foul, as a fair warning. _

**Chapter Nine – Poppy Fields**

"You're so brave!" Logan said, looking adoringly at Creed. THE Wolverine with THE Sabertooth. Ick.

Remy was learning a lot about Wolverine's repressed persona through his misadventures. For one thing, he was swooning over Creed like he'd once done over Belladonna. Creed, sickly enough, seemed to enjoy the fact that Logan's clinginess stroked his ego. He found himself walking with Scott, not wanting to overhear any more affectionate conversation between Logan and Creed. Amusing was when they weren't trying to kill each other. 'Just plain sick' was Logan trying to hold Creed's hand. Plus, he still smelled like urine.

"Ain' we jus' a happy lil' bunch, eh mon diamant noir?" Remy said, talking to the shiny black kitten in his pocket. "Maybe we call you dat? Ebony! King of da Swamp?" He rolled his eyes as the kitten yawned and closed it's eyes. "Merde, even Remy knows dis is cute. Next he be singin' like a big fruit wit da rest of dese freaks."

"Oh no!" Logan yelled and clung to Creed's metal chest, pointing to Xavier, who was approaching on his broomstick. Remy closed his eyes tightly when he was right over them, wanting to avoid any accidental repeat of what happened last time. Xavier landed right in front of Remy, his long black dress draping over his legs from the sides of the broomstick.

Remy knew something bad was about to happen. He just knew it.

Xavier winked at him, then licked his lips, apparently holding the broomstick by his butt cheeks, thrusting it forward as he gazed at Remy suggestively.

"MERDE!" Remy shrieked like a girl and covered his eyes. "Stop dis!" He fell on his knees, still covering his eyes. "Remy'll do anyt'ing if y'just leave him alone! Stop dis torture!"

Xavier was quiet than said, "Anything?" about two seconds before Remy felt the broomstick touch his lips.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Remy yelled again and found himself hiding between Logan and Creed. "Remy hates y'!" He screeched at Xavier, who suddenly turned from playfully interested to anger at the rejection.

Xavier frowned and one lip curled up at his rage. "All the worse for you, then. I'll take care of you now instead of later! Hah! When I gain those ruby slippers, I will be the prettiest little girl in La! And now, my beauties! Something with poison in it, I think. With poison in it, but attractive to the eye – and soothing to the smell!"

"Least dis one sounds like a femme." Remy muttered, trying desperately to recover.

Xavier snarled. "Poppies! Poppies! Poppies!" He picked up his broomstick and took off.

Remy pulled himself to his feet, rubbing his lips. "Remy don' even want t'know where dat broomstick been!" He looked over at Logan and Creed and found the situation had grown more sickening; Logan was tracing on of his furry fingers across Creed's metal torso and purring madly.

"I may be mentally inept, but damn…that's pretty gross." Scott said as they turned away and started walking down the street.

They descended down the hill, catching their first glimpse of Emerald City. Remy saw the entrance to the city across the field of poppies, and lead them across the field. They didn't get very far. The wind carried the drug-laced scent of the poppies over them and they were all stoned within a few minutes.

Remy found himself laughing as Scott spun around, high as a kite and just as square. He toppled into him, and both men fell to the ground. Scott looked up at him. "You're my heeeeeeero, for taking that big, huge thing out of my ass. It was only fun for the first few inches."

Remy frowned and then began laughing again. "I'm not a hero, I'm an S-Man! A S-Man with a pussycat!" He said, protectively patting his pocket. Remy stood up clumsily and sprinted through the field, his arms sticking out as he stripped. "Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! Dis T'ief can fly!" He laughed as he ran through the field, completely nude, then he saw Logan and ran toward him, crashing into him. "Y'know, Wolfie…you'd be ab-able t'steal Scott's femme right out from under him if y'could dance!"

Logan laughed and glanced up at Creed. "It's not a 'femme,' I'm interested in." He said, purring.

"I…can dance!" Scott said.

"Non!" Remy said. "Remy'll prove it!" He stood up and ungracefully lead Scott across the field. After a few minutes, he suddenly felt that he was dancing with Rogue. Unbeknownst to Remy, Scott was suffering a similar delusion.

Gazing into Rogue's lovely eyes, he leaned in to kiss her, amazed by how much better she seemed to kiss here. Remy moaned softly and slipped his tongue into her mouth, met by…straw?

"**AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**

Scott and Remy sat across from each other on the ground, screaming and spitting. Remy found this to be a sobering experience and ran to Creed and Logan, who he found snuggling against a hill, then his clothes (which he hurriedly put back on), and pulled them up, dragging them all by the hands across the field and onto the drawbridge.

Creed giggled. "Loooook! Mr. Grumpy Cajun is holding our hands!"

"Shit! Remy kissed Cyke when he was nakey. Dis da worst t'ing so far." Remy spit on the ground and shivered.

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**Next Chapter: The Wizard is unveiled! Leave me a comment, there's no way a person can read this chapter and not have an opinion!**

**Tokyo Fox** – I considered making Gladiator the lion, or possibly Apocalypse. A scared-senseless Apocalyse would have been funny, which was my plan. The Logan + Creed cuddling thing makes me laugh.

**Puppybaddog** – Aww…glad I could brighten up your day.

**BlkDiamond **– Kitty cat has a name now. And a purrrrr-pose.

**WolvGambit Le Diable** **Blanc** – An update has arrived! Hope you enjoy!

**Bunsdarien** – More to come. Suffice to say that Creed is 'pussywhipped.' Meow!

**Fauna Greywolf** – I hope so.


	10. City Fun, Part 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel, or the Wizard of Oz.**

**Chapter Ten – City Fun, Part One**

Remy found a large door blocked he and his friends from entering the city.

"I wanna push the button!" Scott said, beginning the slow descent from his opiate high. He pressed the button several times and waited.

Soon, a small window opened within the door. Remy jumped when he saw who the doorman was, and considered fleeing for a few moments. "Who rang?" Apocalypse boomed from behind the window.

Remy swallowed. "He did!" He said, pointing to Scott, holding Logan by the tail to keep him from running back into the poppies. Remy didn't care WHAT Apocalypse did to them, as long as it didn't involve sticking his tongue back into the straw-filled mouth. What disgusted him even more was the fact that he'd enjoyed the kiss prior to learning it was Scott he'd kissed.

"Read the notice, mere mortals!" Apocalypse said.

"What notice?" Creed growled back. Apocalypse stuck one of his massive arms through the window, grabbed Creed, and smashed his face onto the door where a note had been nailed, the nail leaving a dent in Creed's forehead. Creed slid down the door and rubbed his head. "You could have pointed."

"Do not question my wisdom, you are but a mortal in an inferior – " He was cut off by Remy.

"Inferior vessel, yada, yada, yada. Remy's heard it, let us in, already, y'overgrown fish!" Remy said. "We're goin' t'see da Wizard, an' dere ain' not'in y'can do t'stop us, mon ami!"

"Ooooh! The Wizard? But nobody can see the Great Whiz! Nobody's ever seen the Great Whiz! Even I've never seen him!" Apocalypse said.

Remy chuckled. "Da Great Poccy?"

"Do not mock me!" Apocalypse growled, which caused a hiss to come from Remy's pocket.

"How do you know this Whiz even exists?" Scott said.

Remy rolled his eyes. "Remy's getting' impatient. Also has a touch of da munchies." He charged the door and stood back, blowing it to pieces and then walking through. "Uh oh, inferior vessel mon arse!" He kicked Apocalypse's charred head like a soccer ball and quickly looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Nobody seemed to care, so Remy assumed Apocalypse was so much of an ass it didn't matter. He kicked the head backwards across the drawbridge and watched as it landed in the moat that surrounded the Emerald City.

"I'm getting hungry!" Logan said, whining. "And the city is scary!"

"I know a place where we can eat!" Scott said, smiling. "435 Main!" He said, as if reciting the Bible. He lead them down several streets to a large stone house. He knocked on the door happily. A woman opened the door and Scott smiled. "Jean?"

The girl frowned. "I'm MADELYNE, asshole! Thanks for calling, by the way!" She slammed the door in their faces.

"I was hung up!" Scott yelled through the door. He turned to Remy, who crossed his arms and grinned. "It's not my fault! They look alike, it's easy to get them confused!"

"Dis happened before?" Remy asked.

Scott nodded. "Don't ever yell another witch's name while you're snuggled up to her twin sister. How do you think I ended up with a metal pole rammed several feet up my ass?"

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Puppybaddog – I know, I know. You have to admit, it was sick, but you liked it.

BJ – Glad you enjoyed. Logan and Remy….that's a lot of hair. :D

Kitty Rasputin – Jean is the Witch of the North. Storm will be in this story still, and Kitty and Jubes are coming back later.

BlkDiamond – Wheeeee! Here it is. Hope you like.

Fauna Greywolf – Hey, it's about time Scotty loosened up somewhere else than in the sphincter. : )


	11. City Fun, Part 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel, or the Wizard of Oz.**

**Chapter Eleven – City Fun, Part Two**

Remy handed Scott the kitten. "No femme can deny a man wit a cute animal. Trust Remy."

The kitten held it's claws out in happy anticipation, then began torturing Scott again. Scott knocked on the door again, and Madelyne opened it. She looked as if she were about to scream again, but spotted Ebony and melted. "Awwww…Scott, you're so sweet!" She pulled Scott in by the arm, and let the others in.

An hour later, they were all full and sleeping in the living room where the twin witches lived. Well, everyone except Scott.

Remy woke up from a peaceful nap and sighed. "Remy don' get it. Emma, Jean, Madelyne…what da hell? He ain' no fun…but damn, dat boy can kiss." He groaned and stood up, disgusted by the thought, and tripped over Creed and Logan, who were sprawled out across the floor. "Remy gets Rogue, who only touches him right before somet'in bad happens. Ain' never kissed Remy when he didn't regret it!" He grumbled and walked back toward the kitchen, where he saw Jean. He knew it was Jean, because Scott was occupied with Madelyne, and the girl he was looking at was clearly jealous.

"'ello, Jean." He said, cheerfully. "Why y'lookin' so sad? Anyt'ing Remy can do?" Jean turned on him like an animal and threw herself at him, tearing her dress away as she kissed him. She pushed her back. "Merde…Remy should say no, y'Scott's girl, always have been, always will…" He smirked and kissed her back, lifting her around his hips.

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Six hours later, the four companions met on the steps in front of the house, each pretending nothing of particular importance happened. Except Remy, of course. "Hey Scottie?"

"What?" Scott said.

"Remy fucked y'girl. Merde, that body…" He said, smirking to the point of pain, so filled with a sense of accomplishment. He had sex with Jean, an act that would have otherwise gotten him killed.

Creed clumsily stumbled forward. "Remy, you kissed Scott and had sex with one of his woman. You are a slut."

"OUCH!" Scott screamed.

They looked down to see munchkins Kitty and Jubilee standing at his feet with matches. Logan ran, seeing the fire, Creed apathetically watched, and Remy beat the fire out of his legs. "What is dis?" He said. "Did y'momma ever teach y'not t'play wit matches?"

"The Guild Masters warned you!" Jubilee quickly pulled a knife and stabbed Remy in the back of the calf. Remy yelped and pulled the knife out, then charged it.

"Y'girls are wit da Guild?" Remy laughed at them as they stood fearlessly at his feet. "What do y'do?"

"We're thugs!" Kitty said, in her tiny little voice, holding a handful of lollipops.

"Yeah!" Jubilee said. Remy withdrew the charge from the knife and knelt down, wincing at the pain in his leg.

"And jus' what do y'plan on doin' t'Remy?" Remy said, smiling at them.

Jubilee smiled back and then sweetly replied. "We're going to gut you, burn Scarecrow, feed Lion to wild animals, put Tin Kitty at the bottom of the moat…"

"And then stick these lollipops in your mouths, so they know it was us!" Kitty chimed in, equally cheery.

An Emerald City guard apparently overheard them and stepped in. "You are the Lollipop Murderesses?" He asked, pointing a spear at them and motioning other soldier over. "You are under arrest for the Sugar High Massacre. You have the right to remain silent, you have the right to…" He lead the girls away.

"Merde, let's get t'the Wizard." Remy said. "Jubes and Kitty, career criminals?" He shook his head in disappointment. "'Least Remy got to sleep wit Jean."

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Next Chapter: The Wizard of La is revealed!

LEAVE ME COMMENTS!


	12. All Cleaned Up

**Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel, or the Wizard of Oz.**

**Chapter Twelve – All Cleaned Up**

Remy flagged a cabbie down and anxiously stuffed his companions into it. "To da Wizard!"

"Surely you cannot be planning on seeing the Great Wizard like that?" The driver of the cab turned around and Remy very nearly had a heart attack.

"Icecube?" He said.

"Robert Drake, pleased to meet you!" He said, cheerfully. "I'm going to take you someplace where you can get all spruced up! You have to be pretty to see the Wizard, he's such a hottie!" He drove the horse and buggy to a large house that had a sign in front that read 'Ororo's House of Beauty.'

"Ro!" Remy exclaimed as the door opened. He frowned when he saw her, clad in skin-tight black leather, a whip in one hand. "Uh…"

"Silence!" Storm said, cracking the whip, motioning behind her. "This is Emma, and we are going to clean you filthy man tramps up." Emma grabbed her from behind, clad in all white leather, and kissed Storm on the cheek.

Scott nudged Remy. "That one is mean! And I think she's mad at me." He whispered.

"Some t'ings never change." Remy muttered as the women lead them inside. Emma immediately grabbed onto Scott.

"I get this one." She said to Storm, shoving Scott down on a massage table roughly, then jumped onto the table and straddled him. She smiled and began to sing sweetly in his ear as she cleaned him up, an evil smile on her face.

_Pat, pat here,_

_Pat, pat there,_

_And a couple of brand new straws._

_That's how we keep you young and fair_

_In the merry old land of La!_

Without warning, she slapped him across the face. "Now, my dear scarecrow," She struck a match and held it close to his face. "I heard you visited a pair of redheads earlier."

"No!" Scott exclaimed. Emma pulled a single reddish hair off of Scott's shirt and held it up. "That's…actually Remy's!" He screamed, knowing he'd had his clothes off long before Madelyne had time to shed on him. "Right, Remy?"

Remy laid back on one of the tables and shook his head. "Remy t'ink y'hit y'head. We both know y'got dat from Madelyne!"

Emma slapped Scott and pulled out a pair of scissors, cutting him across the torso. "This is how it feel when you treat me like this!" She screeched as she threw Scott's insides all over the room, then tossed him aside. She stood up, dusted herself off, then walked over to Logan, smiling as if nothing had happened. Logan froze in fear while Remy was enjoying his turn on the table.

Hank came from a back room with a cloth and some polish and began to polish Creed.

_Rub, rub here,_

_Rub, rub there,_

_And whether you're tin or bronze._

_That's how we keep you in repair_

_In the Merry Old Land of La!_

Hank stopped polishing when, out of the blue, Creed swung at him with the ax. "Creed's chest can only be rubbed by one furry beast." He affectionately looked over at Logan, who was paralyzed with fear as Emma gave him a manicure, still singing her sickly sweet tone.

They stood up and walked back out to the cab when Storm finished fawning over Remy and found Bobby waiting outside with the cab. "Wasn't there someone else?" Remy nodded forlornly and looked at the fabric that used to contain Scott. "Maybe da Wizard can fix dis too, eh?"

Bobby winced. "Man, that guy gets around! So…to the Wizard?"

"Non!" Remy exclaimed. "Da jail."

"The jail? Did you hear they caught the Lollipop Murderesses?" Bobby said, then frowned when Remy smirked.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Remy charged the outer wall of the jail, and smiled as it exploded into a pile of rubble, the two malicious munchkins standing behind it. "We knew you'd get us out!"

"Yeah?" Creed said.

"We made a deal with the devil, and Remy's got devil-eyes!" Kitty said. "See, Jubes, we don't have souls anymore, just like I said!"

"Satan bailed us out of jail?" Jubilee said.

Remy saw guards rush toward them, so he grabbed Kitty and opened Creed's chest, quickly stuffing her in as she screamed. He picked up Jubes and held her on his hip like a little girl, the companions walking back down the street as if nothing was wrong. "Non, Remy da son of Satan. An' he needs t'get in t'see da Wizard. T'ink y'Guild contacts can get us in?"

Thirty minutes later, they were standing at the side entrance of the massive building, the two munchkins at the feet of none other than Emerald City Guard Warren Worthington. "I…I can get the money to you in just a few more weeks. Betsy's pregnant again, and money has just been so tight. I'm not rich, you know."

Kitty kicked him and then crossed her arms. "All we're hearing is excuses." She said, her tiny voice laced with indignation.

"Surely there must be something I can do!" Warren pleaded to them.

"We need to get in." Jubes said. "We'll give you another forty-eight hours, and you'll let us in."

Remy arched his brows at the girl's hard bargaining and walked into the building, sneaking through the halls. "Follow us!" Kitty said. "We know the way."

"How?" Creed asked.

Jubilee giggled. "He owed us some money." They followed the girls to a large room where a huge green face was projected among some impressive pyrotechnics.

Remy spotted the Wizard and nearly rolled on the floor laughing. "Remy don' know what's more ridiculous, da fact dat he's here, or da fact he came here exceptin' y'to fix his problems!"

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Leave a review!


	13. The Wizard

**Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel, or the Wizard of Oz.**

**Chapter Thirteen – The Wizard**

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck." Remy muttered.

The voice boomed. "I am the Great Wizard of La! Come forward!"

Remy stared up at Sinister's face and crossed his arms. "Remy not gonna do not'ing f'ya."

Kitty and Jubilee walked forward and Jubilee spoke. "You shut up, Essex. Don't make us remind you of what happens when you fuck with the Guild!"

"Yes, Yes!" Essex said, almost fearfully. "I remember now…"

Logan clawed at Creed's chest. "I wanna go home, Vicky!"

"Not know…" Creed growled at him, pushing him away.

"The great and powerful wizard knows why you have come!" Essex said. "Step forward…strange metal man! You dare to come to me for a heart, do you? You clinking, clanking, clattering collection of caliginous junk! Explain to me why I should give you a heart!"

Creed held onto Logan's hand. "I…I wish to experience true love. And I want to be kind, maybe become a missionary or charity worker."

"Merde, shut y'mouth, y fucken' woman!" Remy said. "Remy got anot'er friend, he uh…had a girl problem." Remy pulled Scott out of his pocket and watched as two servants suddenly ran in with a pile of straw and re-stuffed Scott. Scott stood up and looked around a little confused.

The wizard boomed at him. "And you, Scarecrow, have the effrontery to ask for a brain? You billowing bale of bovine fodder!" The face turned to Logan. "And you, you want courage?"

They all nodded and Sinister walked out from behind a hallway. "You, Creed, will always be a heartless animal. Scott, you will be a dumbass until the day you die, a failed genetics experiment. And Logan, someone is going to cut your body apart and stick metal to all of your bones. Remy, your girlfriend will dump you in Antarctica. You probably wasted your time coming here."

"Wait!" Remy exclaimed. "You da real Sinny! Not dis fucked up La crap!"

"How much more fucked up could life get?" Sinister said. "Remy? Is it really you?"

Remy nodded. "Remy wanna go home!"

"If I knew how to leave, do you think I would be here? Being terrorized by those…mini-bitches!" Sinister said, glaring at Kitty and Jubilee who pointed knives at him. "But! I do believe that we may be able to escape if we could get our hands on the Professor's broomstick."

"Why?" Remy said.

"How many people on earth could do THIS?" Essex said, indicating their environment. "Plus, have you seen the way the Professor treats that damn thing?" Essex suddenly became flustered.

"Merde…he comin' onto y'to?" Remy asked, met by two very depressed looking red eyes. "We gotta get outta here."

"Bring me the broomstick, and I'll do what I can. I'll even help your friends." Sinister said.

"Non! He'll rape me!" Remy said. "Remy'll feel dirty." He frowned, whining.

Kitty hugged his leg. "Don't worry, the Guild is behind you. We'll make that man bitch pay if he touches you!"

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**Ha, you knew it was coming. You knew it.**

**Next Chapter: Six mismatched companions form a plan and go after the broomstick. **

**Leave me a review!**

**BlkDiamond** – Hope you liked.

**Fauna Greywolf** – Why thank you. Mini-criminals make me smile.

**Kitty Rasputin** – I'm sorry. And yes, running out of characters. I know you wanted Storm, but I couldn't resist.

**Puppybaddog** – I'm sad that I'm running out of movie script. It's getting closer to the end, and I'm really enjoying my mass mischaracterizations.

**Tokyo Fox** – I always spell his name wrong. My spell check is set to fix it automatically, because, well, I'm an idiot.


	14. The Road to Hell

**Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel, or the Wizard of Oz.**

**Chapter Fourteen – The Road to Hell**

Kitty and Jubilee happily skipped through a path in the so-called 'Haunted Forest' which the others, except Remy, seemed somewhat frightened.

"Oh, I don't like forests. They're so scary. Are you scared of them, Vicky?" Logan asked Creed, who simply blinked and pushed Logan away.

Remy smiled. "Merde, if Wolfie could see himself now." He laughed and let Logan and Creed walk past, then grabbed Logan. "BOO!" Logan whined and wet himself again, Creed swung his ax at Remy, but missed and hit Scott in the back.

"Hey!" Scott said. "It's bad enough that all these evil bitches are after me, don't make my life any worse."

Remy snickered and put an arm around Scott, who simply walked behind him, ax hanging from his back. "Maybe Sinny can give y'a brain an' you'll stop wit mean women." He said.

"From what you've told me, having a brain didn't help you much in that department." Scott said back.

Kitty and Jubilee giggled and pointed to a sign, which had recently been changed:

WITCH'S CASTLE **XAVIER'S HOUSE OF LOVE**

**1 MILE**

**I'D **TURN BACK **GET NAKED** **IF I**

**WERE YOU!**

Remy groaned with disgust. "Dat's jus' wrong."

"What?" Jubilee said. "We've been there, it's a really fun place." Kitty leaned in and the two munchkins started to make out against the sign. Remy's jaw dropped and he was unable to think for a few seconds.

"You two?" Scott sputtered out.

"Like da miniature, lesbian version o'Bonnie and Clyde." Remy said finally. He smirked.

Creed grunted. "So, which one of you is the uh…'Clyde' of this relationship?" He asked, cracking an ever-so-rare Creed smile.

The two munchkins simply giggled again as Kitty licked Jubilee's ear and then nibbled it. "A good munchkin doesn't kiss and tell." Kitty said.

"Good munchkins don't do a lot of the things we do." Jubilee said, kissing her again. "And most of them have nothing to do with breaking the law."

The group turned to a noise that seemed to come from the forest. "From now on, we're on enemy ground. You should have something to protect yourself with." Creed said, authoritatively swinging his ax.

Scott handed a very frightened Logan a bottle. "You can have my Witch Remover." Scott said, as Logan took it. "It doesn't work, but it's useful for threatening others."

Remy laughed and charged the bottle, watching it explode in the air. "Scottie, Remy t'inks maybe y'need Bitch-Be-Gone more dan anyt'ing."

"Maybe so." Scott said. Flinching when something seemed to flicker, scaring Logan, who clawed into his straw arm. "Ouch! You stupid coward, stop it!"

Creed turned to Remy. "What was that?"

"Maybe dem swamp sheep dat's been followin' us." Remy said, smirking as Logan and Scott clung to one another once again. "Dey really hungry dis year, even willin' to come into da forest fo' a bite t'eat."

"Swamp sheep?" Kitty asked. "We don't believe in those."

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Xavier watched the troop with interest and then turned to his army of winged Jamie Madrox clones.

"You'll believe in more than that before I've finished with you." He said. "Take your army to the Haunted Forest, and bring me that Cajun! Do what you like with the others, but I want him alive and unharmed! They'll give you no trouble, I promise you that.Take special care of those ruby slippers. I want those most of all. Now, fly! Fly! Bring me that sex Cajun and his slippers! Fly my Jamies! Fly!"

The clones flew through the window and headed for the forest. Xavier gleefully spun around, his dress flying up with the air. "Guess who's getting laid tonight!" He said out loud. "I always knew I liked spicy sausage!" He clapped and walked over to his mirror, rubbing a generous amount of car wax onto his already-shiny head. "Look at me! Nervous like a little girl!"

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**Next Chapter: The Castle!**

**Leave me a review, or I'll never, ever update again. **


	15. Xavier's House of Love

**Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel, or the Wizard of Oz.**

**Chapter Fifteen – Xavier's House of Love**

Remy turned his head as he heard a noise and picked up a rock, charging it. "Just a cricket or a critter in the trees." He said.

"It's giving me the jitters in the joints around my knees!" Creed suddenly sang happily. Remy was about to turn and pummel the tin man when he realized he had a much larger problem.

Scott began singing as well.

"_Oh, I think I see a jijik_

_And he's fuzzy and he's furry_

_I haven't got a brain_

_But I think I ought to worry!"_

Remy recharged the rock and was about to blow Scott's face off when Scott began jumping up and down, holding one of his legs.

"Seriously. Like, shut up!" Kitty screamed, blowing out a match. "You'd think these fruits were munchkin girls or something."

Jubes pointed up. "Look like we got company! Jamie clones!" She yelled as they attempted to duck and hide. Remy tried, unsuccessfully, to avoid being swooped up; there were just too many of the clones, and alas! None of them had even a hint of mercy for him.

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**Several Hours Later…**

Scott looked around an attempted to get up, but couldn't. "Help!"

Creed looked at him and uncaringly asked him what happened.

"They tore my legs off, and they threw them over there! Then they took my chest out, and they threw it over there!" Scott cried out.

Logan rested his head on Creed's metal lap and spoke to the ceiling. "Maybe there's enough Scott to go around to all those women now." He sat up. "They sure did knock the stuffings out of you, didn't they?"

Scott seemed panicked. "Don't stand there talking! Put me together! We've got to find Remy!"

Victor Creed and Logan began picking up his body parts. "Now, let' s see -- this goes -- Oh, I wish I were better at puzzles." Creed said, attaching Scott's butt to his shoulders with an evil smile.

Logan grabbed Victor's hand and laughed nervously, then handed Creed one of Scott's limbs. "Wait a minute. This is the left one. He walks bad enough already."

"So, if we attach his ass to his torso, then put his head on top of that, what do we do with his neck?" Creed asked Logan. Scott began to plead with his two friends.

Meanwhile, Remy found himself waking up in a large metal cage. "Remy seen cages like dis. Cheri da stripper used to…MERDE!" He quickly stood up and attempted to escape, realizing that the only way for him to get out would be for someone else to let him out. As he pondered this, he noticed he was barefoot, and a _click click click_ indicated that someone was walking down the hall toward him wearing high heels.

Remy closed his eyes. He didn't want to see.

"What an unexpected pleasure! It's so kind of you to visit me in my loneliness." Remy opened his eyes and saw none other than Charles Xavier, clad in nothing but a black, lace thong and a pair of ruby red slippers (1).

"Non! Please jus kill Remy! He don' wanna live no more." Remy said, pleadingly.

"All in good time, my little pretty – all in good time." Xavier went to a table where the broomstick had been laid and picked it up. He sat on it and began riding it around the room in an attempt to seduce Remy, who was cowered in the corner muttering something.

"Antarctica…wish Remy dead…Please do not resuscitate…" He said, in a daze.

"What is wrong, lover?" Xavier said.

"Get your filthy perve hands off him!"

Remy looked up to see his favorite little lesbians, holding knives and swinging them in Xavier's direction. "No means no, you sick old witch!" Jubilee said, throwing the keys to the cage at Remy.

"But…I love him! I want to marry him!" Xavier said to the girls. He looked up at the figure in the door. "Hello Lucifer!" A red devil walked in and picked both of the munchkin girls up. Then, he walked over to Remy's cage.

"Le Diable Blanc? I'm just about sick and tired of people gettin' us confused." Satan got close to Remy's face. "These girl sold me their souls!"

"Y'breath smells like sulfur, mon ami." Remy said. "An' Remy ain' a big fan of it. Don't go over to well with some of da ladies…well, da normal ones at least."

"The next time you impersonate me, or a member of my family, that broomstick is going to be the least of your problems!" Satan said, spinning the pitchfork in the air as he walked out with the munchkins. He took the key from Remy. "I don't have time to deal with you, because these monsters have managed to create the need for a tenth circle of hell, reserved for homosexual (2), murderous, traitors, who also like to do foul things to human bodies with candy. Even Judas was impressed."

The girls smiled. "Yay!"

"Don't worry." Satan said. "Remy will probably be down there with you eventually."

Remy shrugged. "Au revoir, Petites!" They waved at him as Satan walked back out.

Remy sat back in the cage, having his one hope of escape ruined by Satan himself. He was hoping that the other three would somehow find a way to get him free, because, things were not looking good.

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"We have to find Remy!" Scott said, trying to adjust to the fact that his head was up his ass, quite literally. "I have a plan! You are going to lead us, Logan!"

"All right, I'll go in there for Remy -- Wicked Witch or no Wicked Witch – guards or no guards -- I'll tear 'em apart." He growled. "I may not come out alive, but I'm going in there. There's only one thing I want you fellows to do." Logan said fiercely.

"What?" Creed asked.

"Talk me out of it!" Logan whined, hiding his face in Creed, who pushed him away.

"Some brainless scarecrow is sending a complete coward to rescue Remy." Creed said. "You are both morons. Step aside." Creed lead them to the side entrance of the witch's castle and swung his ax at the door. He never stopped swinging as his ax demolished the kitchen and everything else in his path.

"I do enjoy a good kill." He said observantly as they made their way through the castle. "I'll miss that, when I have a heart."

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– Yes, in the story, the slippers could only be removed after a person died. But this is my spoof, and I say the rules are different.

– I have nothing against homosexuals, but in Dante's Inferno, where the nine circles of hell are theorized, homosexuality is considered a big no-no.


	16. The Rescue

**Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel, or the Wizard of Oz.**

**Chapter Sixteen – The Rescue**

"Remy, are you in there?" Creed asked as he knocked on a door.

"CREED! Save Remy!" Remy cried out.

"No! There is no Remy Lebeau in here!" The heard the Professor yell through the door.

"Maybe we're at the wrong house?" Scott said, quickly slapped by Creed. "So, is Remy in there or not?"

"Shut up, you fool!" Creed hissed at Scott as he swung his ax and knocked the door down. Remy was alone in the cage, his head hung, as if he was hiding it. "Where is that perverted old man?"

Remy pointed to the door on the opposite side of the room as Logan came and unlocked the cage, freeing Remy. "Oh, poor Remy! We need to get you out of here!" He said. They ran back the way they had come, trying desperately to escape.

And, they failed.

"Going so soon?" They turned to see the thong-clad man. "I wouldn't hear of it. My little party is just beginning!" Xavier thrust his hips at Remy, who very nearly passed out. Then he motioned for the Jamies to chase them.

The four men were quickly trapped in a corner. "That's right, don't hurt them right away." Xavier said, locking eyes with Remy. "We'll let them think about it first!" He licked his lips. "How does it feel, my little visitor? Can you imagine what I'm going to do with you?" (These are actually verbatim quotes from the story. This context makes them ten million times sicker than intended.)

Logan roared to distract them and the four men ran upstairs, only to find themselves cornered yet again. Xavier stepped forward and looked Scott over like a piece of meat. "How about a little fire, Scarecrow?" He asked.

Remy spotted a pail of water on the ground and picked it up. "Remy t'inks y' need a cold shower, non?" He threw the water on Xavier, who began to melt, of all things. "What da hell?"

"Ohhh -- you sexy devil! Look what you've done! I'm melting! Melting! Oh -- what a world -- what a world! Who would have thought a good boy like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness? Ohhh! Look out! Look out! I'm going. Ohhhh! Ohhhhhh..." Xavier melted and only the thong and shoes remained in his place.

"When Remy dies, he t'inks he want to moan at least dat much. Dat didn't seem bad at all." Remy shrugged and turned back to leave. "Amazin' what a little water can do."

"Water?" He turned to the Jamie clone. "That was acid, you stupid ass. We were supposed to throw it on your friends when they broke in."

"Oh." Remy said, shrugging as he slipped the slippers back on. "Y'know, dese look pretty good on Remy, eh?"

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	17. Sinister Thoughts

**Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel, or the Wizard of Oz.**

**Chapter Seventeen – Sinister Thoughts**

Remy nonchalantly walked into Sinister's chamber with the broomstick and slammed it down in front of him. "Remy wants t'go home now."

"Remy," Sinister sighed. "How many times am I going to sucker you in before you learn that I never keep my promises?"

Remy sighed and smacked Sinister in the side of the head with the broomstick. "Remy wants t'go home now."

Sinister blinked a couple of times. "I already told you I have other things for you to…"

_Smack!_

"Remy wants t'go home now." Remy said a third time.

"I actually wanted you to assemble a team to collect Munchkin DNA."

_Smack!_

"Or, Remy, we could focus on getting home." Sinister said, wanting to avoid further abuse.

"What about us?" Scott asked.

"Scott, anybody can have a brain. That's a very mediocre commodity. Every pusillanimous creature that crawls on the earth, including Remy, – or slinks through slimy seas has a brain!" Remy smacked Sinister upside the head again. "Back where I come from we have universities, seats of great learning -- where men go to become great thinkers. And when they come out, they think deep thoughts – and with no more brains than you have... But! They have one thing you haven't got! A diploma!" He smiled sarcastically at Scott, who was looking at him with a dumb, but happy expression. "Therefore, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Universitatus Committeeatum e plurbis unum, I hereby confer upon you the honorary degree of Th.D."

Scott smiled. "Th.D?"

"Yes! A Doctorate of Thinkology!" Sinister said. "The highest esteemed diploma!"

Scott picked up the piece of paper and scurried away. Sinister looked up at Remy. "It hurts me that the Summers boys are that idiotic sometimes. I did make them, after all."

"Dey like defective Barbie dolls. All da dumb blonde, no boobs." Remy muttered.

Sinister looked to get Logan out of the way, so he turned to him. "As for you, my fine friend -- you're a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate delusion that simply because you run away from danger, you have no courage. You're confusing courage with wisdom. Back where I come from, we have men who are called heroes. Once a year, they take their fortitude out of mothballs and parade it down the main street of the city. And they have no more courage than you have. But! They have one thing that you haven't got! A medal! Therefore -- for meritorious conduct, extraordinary valor, conspicuous bravery against wicked witches, I award you the Triple Cross!" He handed Logan a medal, and motioned for him to leave.

Finally, Sinister turned to Creed. "You do not want a heart."

"Yes, I do." Creed said.

"It'll just get broken." Sinister said. "Plus, killing is the only thing you are good at."

"How about this? You give me a heart or I'll kill YOU." Creed said to him.

Sinister smiled. "My point exactly." Creed looked a little miffed. "Now, take this watch, pawn it, marry Logan, and live happily ever after. Understood?"

"Yes." Creed said, walking out happily.

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	18. Gullible

**Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel, or the Wizard of Oz.**

**Chapter Eighteen – Gullible**

"So, how y'gettin' Remy home?" Remy asked Sinister, who was disinfecting the broomstick. "Merde, dat's gross."

Sinister nodded. "I sincerely hope this isn't his way of acting out some strange telepath's fantasy." He sniffed the broomstick and frowned, then went back to cleaning it. "Have you noticed how sex-crazed these people are?"

"Merde, yes. Remy kissed Scott, had sex wit Jean, did a whole bunch of other stuff." He said. "Plus, dem two munchkins nearly got it on right in front of Remy."

Sinister smiled. "Remy, did you enjoy kissing Scott?"

"Merde! Non! Grossest t'ing ever. Not'in could make dat moment any more gross." Remy spat and shivered.

"You underestimate me, Remy." Sinister said.

"Oui? Tell Remy one t'ing dat makes dat seem worse." Remy said.

"And the third Summers brother is…Remy Lebeau!" Sinister said, enjoying the onslaught of disgust as Remy began coughing and gagging. "What was it like to kiss your brother? Not even I have ever done anything that gross to a Summers kid."

"Merde! Fuck! You….Remy wants t'die. Been violated, kissed mon frere…ugh!"

"That's okay Remy, I was just kidding. The third Summers bother is Adam X. You should have seen your face though." Sinister said, laughing. "You were made in a petri dish after a few too many shots of liquor."

"Why y'tellin' Remy dis now?" Remy asked.

"Because you will never believe it when we get out of this place." Sinister replied.

"True." Remy said.

"Good luck with 'escaping' Remy. I will probably see you strapped to a table at some point in the future." Sinister said.

"What?" Remy turned just as Sinister got on the broomstick and attempted to fly away. Instead, he zipped around the room in several large circles and crashed into the ground outside, cracking his skull open. Remy stood stunned for a moment as he climbed out the window and went down to the scene. "Merde, t'anks f'making Remy's life miserable."

He turned and walked back to the city. "If Remy's gotta be stuck here, he gonna get laid again, dat's f'sure."

A few hours later, Jean looked up at him as he questioned her. She was exhausted, but blissfully so. "You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back to New York."

Remy kissed her, considered strangling her, then kissed her again. "Why didn't y'tell Remy dis before?"

"You wouldn't have believed me. You needed to learn it for yourself." Jean replied.

Remy felt a wave of anger. "You'd be surprised at how damn gullible Remy is." He said.

"But then we wouldn't have gotten to have our fun." Jean said.

"Y'mean y'kept Remy here s'ya could sleep wit him? Naughty girl!" Remy said, suddenly amused by the entire situation. "Remy loves da t'ings y'do to him, but he needs t'go home."

Jean whined and started to cry. "If you have to leave…just put on the slippers and tap them together three times." Remy brushed his fingers through her hair.

"Eh, don' be sad. Y'always first in Scott's eyes." He said.

Jean rolled her eyes. "Pity it's not his eyes I'm interested in." She said, kissing Remy's chest.

He chuckled and stood up, putting his clothes back on. "Remy never gonna forget dis, Jean. Maybe Remy'll go crazy an' we'll get t'do dis again someday." He kissed her and left her in the bed. He tapped his heels together twice and then felt a familiar softness against his leg and picked up the black kitten, scratching it's chin. Then, as he turned to put the cat down on the bed, he accidentally clicked them a third time.

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	19. The End

**Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel, or the Wizard of Oz.**

**Chapter Nineteen – The End**

Remy opened his eyes and saw Jean and Hank looking him over. "Are you alright, Remy? You've been unconscious for hours!"

"Oui." Remy sat up and got off the bed. He grinned at Jean with the most devilish grin she'd ever seen from him. "Remy appreciates y'takin' care of him while he was sleepin'."

Hank handed him a bottle of painkillers. "The Professor wanted to speak to you about being more careful in the Danger Room." Remy shivered. "What's wrong?"

"Not'in." Remy said. "Where is he?"

"Probably upstairs." Jean said. "He fell asleep watching a movie with the younger kids."

Remy stumbled up the stairs and found the Professor, still sound asleep, as the credits rolled. A couple of kids ran by him. "Follow the yellow brick road!" One of them yelled. Remy jumped and attempted to hide, wondering whether or not they were with the Lollipop Guild or not.

He picked up the case the movie came in. "The Wizard of Oz." He read out loud. He roughly nudged the Professor.

"Remy?" The Professor said, apparently shaken from a dream. "What's wrong?"

Remy shook the movie case at him. "Does da Wizard of La sound familiar?"

Xavier's expression fell. "Oh no…" He looked embarrassed, and humiliated to the point of wanting to disappear. "Sometimes, hearing things when we telepaths sleep…like this movie…induces strange dreams that affect others."

Remy just stared.

"It in no way reflects my actual wants or needs!" Xavier yelled quickly.

"Sick." Remy said. "Remy's gettin' an apartment in town. Can' handle dis no more."

"Remy, please!" Xavier said. "Don't tell anyone about what you saw and…how I was acting?"

"Or what?" Remy said.

"I'll tell Scott about your affair with Jean." Xavier said.

Remy smirked. "Remy's lips are sealed. Plus, he gonna repress all dem memories about y'showing me y'junk. Dat was twisted, y'crazy old perve!" He ran upstairs to his room and opened the door.

There, sitting on his bed, was a small black kitten. Ebony. "How did…" Remy picked him up as he started to purr. "No way." And then he noticed there was a lollipop and some straw in his pocket.

"Remy ain' even gonna talk about dis. Ever."

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**The End.**

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